Amor y apego postraumático: (Post traumatic Love & Attachment)

it comes out the most when... 

when I start coming to terms with

having feelings for you,

at first, I toss & turn

contemplating whether or not 

I should even engage in 

telling you, because your

a response that could be what 

brings it out first.

the day that I tell you

how I feel could be the 

day that I die more inside &

whatever has been dead already 

will be bought out

of its grave for it will be revived

for their death to be done again,

for their body to be put back 

in its grave & put back to sleep

like a child before bedtime.

or it could possibly be the day

that you start showing me that

you have feelings for me first,

not giving me the time

to be able to come to terms with

Whether or not the fact I remember your name

is because it’s part of the norm

to know what to call you

then to understand that it’s become a lullaby

in my sleep.

the very first time that I send you a text

It’ll give me the jitters,

when you text me back moments later

it’ll give me an adrenaline rush

like a cold brew of coffee

first thing in the morning, but

the day that you don’t respond

right away the day that I start 

to think it is over before it’s even begun.

you tell me that it’s been 

on delivered for 8 hours,

I tell myself that within that time

that you would have gotten busy,

my heart tells me that there’s somebody else

that is more important than that 

is taking the time off your thumbs.

and the day I feel like that

is the day that I start to disappear,

the longer you disappear

the more I fight against myself

to push the thought of you out, 

the more I push the thought of 

you out of my heart, the more it hurts,

the more I wonder off back into the life

I lived before I knew your name & 

memorized your face.

even though things go forgotten

my heart has a memory of its own

so things never really go forgotten.

I will never tell 

you how these things

makes me feel.

I will never let you fight in the wars

that takes place at these times

right in front of your face, 

I will only let you sit there clueless,

oblivious to my emotions &

to my traumas because the day you

try to fix me

will be the day that you are pushed over the fence 

of either falling in love with me or

falling out of love with me,

all the while

I will have started to get accustomed

to your healing words,

and your healing hands.