Food For Thought

I'm listening to every word people scream at me that cut me deeper than any cut I ever got physically.

 Cause the mental and spiritual cuts deeper than anything and last longer too and there's not much anyone can do to help them heal.

The thing is these words aren't coming from bullies, no there coming from those who are supposed to be close, but are just “close”

I'm sick of the phrase “ fleshing blood”

Cause it's just the call of instant regret of doing nothing

They say I'm no better than the ones who picked at me and made me feel less than who I am

Here's the thing the words they say to me are no different from those exact words the people they're comparing me to

The same words that are on repeat in my nightmares  I'm not  talking about the ones I live on a day to day basis I'm talking about the ones I have when I go to sleep when I'm supposed to be safe 

and when I am then there are my thoughts

There's always me and my thoughts

Whether or not we best friends or we're enemies it's always my thoughts and me 

Sometimes that's all I have

Cause of the fear we all face,

We all get scared our God will be too judging 

Our parents will be too non understanding

Our friends will be too busy with their own thoughts and problems

Our siblings will be too young to understand

Our older siblings will be too non-caring

And then there's also those who once did understand you, but are no longer alive

Then you wonder why couldn't you go with them

Everyone has their own free will,

But everyone seems to be pushing theirs on you

Like for all the things they were and weren't as a child, pre-teen, teen and adult

They force your decisions on you

Then there's another phrase I hate hearing

“If you can't handle this then 

you’re not ready for the world.”

Every time I hear that phrase

My heart pounds 

and that enemies thoughts in my head start again

And starts chanting the worse things towards myself,

Like “I told you so”

“You can't do it”

Then my heart starts to yell back

“You have made it so far”

“Just use that as encouragement”

Two different things being screamed in the same room, but I'm caught in the middle and my mouth stays close

and I remain in the middle of a battlefield

Whether it's physically amongst other humans with the same battles that are within me,

Or within my head along the lines weather 

I'm my own cheerleader

Or my own bully,

Or whether or not I come out victorious on the right side in my spiritual war

So many nobody other than me knows about

I buckle down and write my pain down and try to forget my true feelings and just be happy as everyone wants

Go to the store and get candy

To help wipe away my tears

And uplift my mood

Although with every dollar spent

And every bit of sweet, sour or chocolate candy

My face breaks out with more flaws to hate myself for

More imperfections for people to point out

More jokes for my family to make jokes about

More of everything that I don't need more of in my life

The stuff I need less of in my life

However, that's not how life works

That's not how my map to my future is planned out

I'm not control

I'm covered in buttons and everyone has the fingers to push them

I'm the canvas and everyone has the materials needed to make me what they'd like 

I am weak,

No longer strong

For every battle you see me fight it is because I want to be strong

I want to be a warrior,

I'm so destined to be

But I need the support

I can not support

 if I do not get supposed with the things that weren't forced upon me

I need help

I need allies

Not just enemies

Cause with me alone I have enough of them

No one knows what's next,

But everyone one has a say so,

But what about me

The main character in my own life story

It's food for thought

What do you think

You're not alone 

We're all in the same boat