Food For Thought

I'm listening to every word people scream at me that cut me deeper than any cut I ever got physically.

 Cause the mental and spiritual cuts deeper than anything and last longer too and there's not much anyone can do to help them heal.

The thing is these words aren't coming from bullies, no there coming from those who are supposed to be close, but are just “close”

I'm sick of the phrase “ fleshing blood”

Cause it's just the call of instant regret of doing nothing

They say I'm no better than the ones who picked at me and made me feel less than who I am

Here's the thing the words they say to me are no different from those exact words the people they're comparing me to

The same words that are on repeat in my nightmares  I'm not  talking about the ones I live on a day to day basis I'm talking about the ones I have when I go to sleep when I'm supposed to be safe 

and when I am then there are my thoughts

There's always me and my thoughts

Whether or not we best friends or we're enemies it's always my thoughts and me 

Sometimes that's all I have

Cause of the fear we all face,

We all get scared our God will be too judging 

Our parents will be too non understanding

Our friends will be too busy with their own thoughts and problems

Our siblings will be too young to understand

Our older siblings will be too non-caring

And then there's also those who once did understand you, but are no longer alive

Then you wonder why couldn't you go with them

Everyone has their own free will,

But everyone seems to be pushing theirs on you

Like for all the things they were and weren't as a child, pre-teen, teen and adult

They force your decisions on you

Then there's another phrase I hate hearing

“If you can't handle this then 

you’re not ready for the world.”

Every time I hear that phrase

My heart pounds 

and that enemies thoughts in my head start again

And starts chanting the worse things towards myself,

Like “I told you so”

“You can't do it”

Then my heart starts to yell back

“You have made it so far”

“Just use that as encouragement”

Two different things being screamed in the same room, but I'm caught in the middle and my mouth stays close

and I remain in the middle of a battlefield

Whether it's physically amongst other humans with the same battles that are within me,

Or within my head along the lines weather 

I'm my own cheerleader

Or my own bully,

Or whether or not I come out victorious on the right side in my spiritual war

So many nobody other than me knows about

I buckle down and write my pain down and try to forget my true feelings and just be happy as everyone wants

Go to the store and get candy

To help wipe away my tears

And uplift my mood

Although with every dollar spent

And every bit of sweet, sour or chocolate candy

My face breaks out with more flaws to hate myself for

More imperfections for people to point out

More jokes for my family to make jokes about

More of everything that I don't need more of in my life

The stuff I need less of in my life

However, that's not how life works

That's not how my map to my future is planned out

I'm not control

I'm covered in buttons and everyone has the fingers to push them

I'm the canvas and everyone has the materials needed to make me what they'd like 

I am weak,

No longer strong

For every battle you see me fight it is because I want to be strong

I want to be a warrior,

I'm so destined to be

But I need the support

I can not support

 if I do not get supposed with the things that weren't forced upon me

I need help

I need allies

Not just enemies

Cause with me alone I have enough of them

No one knows what's next,

But everyone one has a say so,

But what about me

The main character in my own life story

It's food for thought

What do you think

You're not alone 

We're all in the same boat

Where I Come From

Past

When I was born I was entered into a quiet place and a humble family. I was born an only child. I grew fond of the concept of wishing on stars. However, as I grew a little older it was then brought that praying to GOD is way more valuable. I started my education at home so I would get home-cooked meals throughout the day. As I grew, I remember so many times how my parents would warn me about things, but I never listened. Every day I came from experiences. I may not have gone to church, however, I worshiped GOD at home daily with my parents.

Five years passed before my dreams and prayers came true. Quickly the world around me began to change as my family was being filled with excitement, rejoicement, more love, and more experiences. That day my little brother was born and brought home. My once quiet household rapidly changed to a noisy four-person household. I had to realize from then on that I was no longer the only child anymore. I remember being told to help my brother clean our room up. I remember getting hugs that meant the world to me. I no longer felt lonely. Soon I had to embark on an adventure. To a new environment, somewhere outside of what I was used to, somewhere I had no understanding about, my first school. Away from my parents. I was still close, however, I was farther away from them than usual. It quickly made me understand that mom and dad care more than the people outside the family. While I went to this school I knew who I was, but people tried to change me.  Every day I was talked to like I was nothing, I was bullied, mentally tortured and had hateful comments said to me. Each day I would go home in tears and full of doubt. This whole time I wanted to make a true friend, but often fell blind to others deceitfulness. Though I came from a family of wisdom they were unable to ease my obstacles at school.

Present

I transferred to a new school and this time with a lot of GOD given understanding and wisdom. I was able to improve on stuff that I already know and learn. Now that I’ve aged and gained wisdom, I don't care as much about what others say I need to change so I can be who they want me to be. I have come to embrace who I am and if they're not saying to change stuff in me that will benefit me and not them then I'll listen. As I attended this school they made my love for writing blossom and gave me a  chance to share it. To visit yet another place ( Pitt for the Young Writers Program) with my original understand and told male to build my understanding. This place I never thought I would ever enter. I was in a state of mind I never thought I would act. I was seated in the room with people that I never thought I come in contact with.

I come from a family that mainly consists of my mother, father, brother, and sister. We all came from GOD. I'm not afraid to admit that I have many mistakes in my still short time span. However when I take a step back and take a look at how wonderful life truly is. I then understand that God will always love me and will take my flaws, all the mental brews, and spiritual scars. He'll take them away from me forever. I am from a place that is mostly filled with laughter but can also be filled with sadness or anger. I was born with the love of writing as I grew so did my love. I am from that mental countdown to graduating. To remind of my love of writing  I've written more than 795 pages, 151 short stories within four different journals.

I am from a family that is grieving my great grandmother’s death. I am from having a high GPA. I am apart of a cheerleader squad. I've come from the new beginning of all types. I am no longer afraid to say what I believe. Nor am I afraid to stand up for myself or those I love. I am going through daily growing pains. I am from asking GOD constantly to help me. I came from wanting to do great things, but I come from doing great things. I come from quickly realizing that people will never stop trying to break me down and change me. They don't phase me anymore. I came from doubting myself constantly and proving my haters wrong. I come from a family that's all you need to know.

His Kiss

He pulled me into a kiss.
As soon as lips touched,
It was as if he took me around the whole world,
by hand
Without ever needing to leave.
We went beyond the milky way,
Past the big dipper.
We discovered new planets
and named them after our love
The sparks
that flow for us; outshined any Disney princess kiss

The kiss ends....
Lips draw far from each other

His eyes twinkle
More than an ocean underneath a starry night sky
My love for him
Deeper,
then a clear galactic starry night
in the deepest part of our universe
Suddenly heaven like symphony
fills the mellow air

My cheeks
within constant changes
in a different verity of
Reds,
Pinks,
Different tents of the pail
From just
looking at him
My heart sores above the clouds
Above the thick blankets if doubt
Beyond any bird could fly
Just past the sight for sore eyes

Then we came right back here
To my little piece of heaven
Our little piece of heaven

My stomach
is left feeling like it just finished
Ballet or gymnastics
doing leaps and bounds past all uncertainties
And right back into his arms
Where I belonged form the jump.

A dream that Become Real

*Tribute to my 2014

As I walked to class

Dimness and shadows followed

I'm in a new place

Like a lamb

venturing into a new pasture,

unaware of the beasts around

Suddenly,

like a head-on a stampede

a new by with some extra speed

collides with my naiveness

Vexed and ready to confront

I get a glimpse of the culprit

His hand out to me

Suddenly, conscious

negative feelings melt away

His love and compassion

all bundled up in only his face

Warmness,

Like a handmade blanket

Safety,

like the feeling of love

floods my previous emotions

I feel them rapidly float away

Names were exchanged

Hands,

slowly, confidently touch

His eyes, like ancient jars

Capturing stars before our time

Stars beyond our galaxy

Suddenly,

as if I was hit by

One of Cupid's random arrows

Fireworks,

Like on the 4th of July

Sparkling up feelings that were once dull

Like oceans and tides meet

Our souls become one

Voice harmonize

Soulmates eternally found

The two took a stroll

Both set to one goal

Feeling between both, now mutual

Arrive at their destination

they depart

Promises are shared

“We will meet again”

Lips meet

Goodbyes are said

Beep, beep, beep

Dream clouds evaporate

Cheeks like red tomatoes

It was all a dream

Blushing memories

Cutter my waking mind

Once again,

I walked down the same hall

The same shadows and dimness followed

The same outcome

From the night before

Reinacting my dreams

Through and through

Is this reality?