Food For Thought

I'm listening to every word people scream at me that cut me deeper than any cut I ever got physically.

 Cause the mental and spiritual cuts deeper than anything and last longer too and there's not much anyone can do to help them heal.

The thing is these words aren't coming from bullies, no there coming from those who are supposed to be close, but are just “close”

I'm sick of the phrase “ fleshing blood”

Cause it's just the call of instant regret of doing nothing

They say I'm no better than the ones who picked at me and made me feel less than who I am

Here's the thing the words they say to me are no different from those exact words the people they're comparing me to

The same words that are on repeat in my nightmares  I'm not  talking about the ones I live on a day to day basis I'm talking about the ones I have when I go to sleep when I'm supposed to be safe 

and when I am then there are my thoughts

There's always me and my thoughts

Whether or not we best friends or we're enemies it's always my thoughts and me 

Sometimes that's all I have

Cause of the fear we all face,

We all get scared our God will be too judging 

Our parents will be too non understanding

Our friends will be too busy with their own thoughts and problems

Our siblings will be too young to understand

Our older siblings will be too non-caring

And then there's also those who once did understand you, but are no longer alive

Then you wonder why couldn't you go with them

Everyone has their own free will,

But everyone seems to be pushing theirs on you

Like for all the things they were and weren't as a child, pre-teen, teen and adult

They force your decisions on you

Then there's another phrase I hate hearing

“If you can't handle this then 

you’re not ready for the world.”

Every time I hear that phrase

My heart pounds 

and that enemies thoughts in my head start again

And starts chanting the worse things towards myself,

Like “I told you so”

“You can't do it”

Then my heart starts to yell back

“You have made it so far”

“Just use that as encouragement”

Two different things being screamed in the same room, but I'm caught in the middle and my mouth stays close

and I remain in the middle of a battlefield

Whether it's physically amongst other humans with the same battles that are within me,

Or within my head along the lines weather 

I'm my own cheerleader

Or my own bully,

Or whether or not I come out victorious on the right side in my spiritual war

So many nobody other than me knows about

I buckle down and write my pain down and try to forget my true feelings and just be happy as everyone wants

Go to the store and get candy

To help wipe away my tears

And uplift my mood

Although with every dollar spent

And every bit of sweet, sour or chocolate candy

My face breaks out with more flaws to hate myself for

More imperfections for people to point out

More jokes for my family to make jokes about

More of everything that I don't need more of in my life

The stuff I need less of in my life

However, that's not how life works

That's not how my map to my future is planned out

I'm not control

I'm covered in buttons and everyone has the fingers to push them

I'm the canvas and everyone has the materials needed to make me what they'd like 

I am weak,

No longer strong

For every battle you see me fight it is because I want to be strong

I want to be a warrior,

I'm so destined to be

But I need the support

I can not support

 if I do not get supposed with the things that weren't forced upon me

I need help

I need allies

Not just enemies

Cause with me alone I have enough of them

No one knows what's next,

But everyone one has a say so,

But what about me

The main character in my own life story

It's food for thought

What do you think

You're not alone 

We're all in the same boat

Where I Come From

Past

When I was born I was entered into a quiet place and a humble family. I was born an only child. I grew fond of the concept of wishing on stars. However, as I grew a little older it was then brought that praying to GOD is way more valuable. I started my education at home so I would get home-cooked meals throughout the day. As I grew, I remember so many times how my parents would warn me about things, but I never listened. Every day I came from experiences. I may not have gone to church, however, I worshiped GOD at home daily with my parents.

Five years passed before my dreams and prayers came true. Quickly the world around me began to change as my family was being filled with excitement, rejoicement, more love, and more experiences. That day my little brother was born and brought home. My once quiet household rapidly changed to a noisy four-person household. I had to realize from then on that I was no longer the only child anymore. I remember being told to help my brother clean our room up. I remember getting hugs that meant the world to me. I no longer felt lonely. Soon I had to embark on an adventure. To a new environment, somewhere outside of what I was used to, somewhere I had no understanding about, my first school. Away from my parents. I was still close, however, I was farther away from them than usual. It quickly made me understand that mom and dad care more than the people outside the family. While I went to this school I knew who I was, but people tried to change me.  Every day I was talked to like I was nothing, I was bullied, mentally tortured and had hateful comments said to me. Each day I would go home in tears and full of doubt. This whole time I wanted to make a true friend, but often fell blind to others deceitfulness. Though I came from a family of wisdom they were unable to ease my obstacles at school.

Present

I transferred to a new school and this time with a lot of GOD given understanding and wisdom. I was able to improve on stuff that I already know and learn. Now that I’ve aged and gained wisdom, I don't care as much about what others say I need to change so I can be who they want me to be. I have come to embrace who I am and if they're not saying to change stuff in me that will benefit me and not them then I'll listen. As I attended this school they made my love for writing blossom and gave me a  chance to share it. To visit yet another place ( Pitt for the Young Writers Program) with my original understand and told male to build my understanding. This place I never thought I would ever enter. I was in a state of mind I never thought I would act. I was seated in the room with people that I never thought I come in contact with.

I come from a family that mainly consists of my mother, father, brother, and sister. We all came from GOD. I'm not afraid to admit that I have many mistakes in my still short time span. However when I take a step back and take a look at how wonderful life truly is. I then understand that God will always love me and will take my flaws, all the mental brews, and spiritual scars. He'll take them away from me forever. I am from a place that is mostly filled with laughter but can also be filled with sadness or anger. I was born with the love of writing as I grew so did my love. I am from that mental countdown to graduating. To remind of my love of writing  I've written more than 795 pages, 151 short stories within four different journals.

I am from a family that is grieving my great grandmother’s death. I am from having a high GPA. I am apart of a cheerleader squad. I've come from the new beginning of all types. I am no longer afraid to say what I believe. Nor am I afraid to stand up for myself or those I love. I am going through daily growing pains. I am from asking GOD constantly to help me. I came from wanting to do great things, but I come from doing great things. I come from quickly realizing that people will never stop trying to break me down and change me. They don't phase me anymore. I came from doubting myself constantly and proving my haters wrong. I come from a family that's all you need to know.

His Kiss

He pulled me into a kiss.
As soon as lips touched,
It was as if he took me around the whole world,
by hand
Without ever needing to leave.
We went beyond the milky way,
Past the big dipper.
We discovered new planets
and named them after our love
The sparks
that flow for us; outshined any Disney princess kiss

The kiss ends....
Lips draw far from each other

His eyes twinkle
More than an ocean underneath a starry night sky
My love for him
Deeper,
then a clear galactic starry night
in the deepest part of our universe
Suddenly heaven like symphony
fills the mellow air

My cheeks
within constant changes
in a different verity of
Reds,
Pinks,
Different tents of the pail
From just
looking at him
My heart sores above the clouds
Above the thick blankets if doubt
Beyond any bird could fly
Just past the sight for sore eyes

Then we came right back here
To my little piece of heaven
Our little piece of heaven

My stomach
is left feeling like it just finished
Ballet or gymnastics
doing leaps and bounds past all uncertainties
And right back into his arms
Where I belonged form the jump.

A dream that Become Real

*Tribute to my 2014

As I walked to class

Dimness and shadows followed

I'm in a new place

Like a lamb

venturing into a new pasture,

unaware of the beasts around

Suddenly,

like a head-on a stampede

a new by with some extra speed

collides with my naiveness

Vexed and ready to confront

I get a glimpse of the culprit

His hand out to me

Suddenly, conscious

negative feelings melt away

His love and compassion

all bundled up in only his face

Warmness,

Like a handmade blanket

Safety,

like the feeling of love

floods my previous emotions

I feel them rapidly float away

Names were exchanged

Hands,

slowly, confidently touch

His eyes, like ancient jars

Capturing stars before our time

Stars beyond our galaxy

Suddenly,

as if I was hit by

One of Cupid's random arrows

Fireworks,

Like on the 4th of July

Sparkling up feelings that were once dull

Like oceans and tides meet

Our souls become one

Voice harmonize

Soulmates eternally found

The two took a stroll

Both set to one goal

Feeling between both, now mutual

Arrive at their destination

they depart

Promises are shared

“We will meet again”

Lips meet

Goodbyes are said

Beep, beep, beep

Dream clouds evaporate

Cheeks like red tomatoes

It was all a dream

Blushing memories

Cutter my waking mind

Once again,

I walked down the same hall

The same shadows and dimness followed

The same outcome

From the night before

Reinacting my dreams

Through and through

Is this reality?

Reflections

A doorway into a different world

See you, the real you

What you see, is what you get

Pimples and all

No mascara nor makeup will change that

Only the truth is what you'll see

Reflections

You can hide them from others,but you can't block the truth from yourself

The harder you try to see someone else

Someone other than who you are

Your reflection grows stronger

Some say eyes are the door to your soul

While the true door is the same object people try to avoid

Reflections

Joy's Word

When my grandmother died

I wanted to die too.

My mother looked at me with pity as I sat there crying.

My grandmother meant everything to me

She was my friend,

She was my teacher,

Not just my grandmother.

In fact, she wasn’t even my grandma,

She was my great-grandmother.

My real one died before her.

I showed up to school shocked and depressed.

Why was I alive

And why wasn’t she?

I keep her stuff near and talk to her every night.

I said her name in class one day and somebody laughed!   

What the heck!?!

Nobody laughed when your dad left,

Nobody laughed when your 15-year-old sister got pregnant,

All serious topics that shouldn’t get laughed at.

She was my grandma,

Not yours so back off!

People say I look ugly,

But who cares

I wasn’t always like that.

No, I’d hide and cry,

I would ask God why?

When should I be asking you why?

I don’t have to be perfect

And you must have forgotten you're not either

So get over yourselves,

Look in the mirror,

Cause I know I am and I’m (McDonald’s song) loving it.

To my grandmother my grandmother,

Who will never see me graduate,

YES, SHE WILL!!

To those kids who hated me,

YES, I WILL!!!

To you all who are just getting to know me,

YOU HAVEN’T SEEN NOTHING YET!!!

I’m like an unfinished book,

No one knows what happens other than God.

Yet you all think you can change that,

Well you can’t

Get over that!

Neither can I

And I stopped trying.

Give up!!!

I won't back down

And I can’t expect you to either.

To all the men in the room listening,

Don't look,

Or fantasize

I’m not an object

I’m a Queen in God’s kingdom

I’m a friend among friends who need friends

I’m a Christian

I’m a daughter

I’m a sister

I’m a writer

I’m a best friend

And no one can or ever will change that.

Thanks for listening

and Maybe from listening

This can change some of the things that have been happening.

When will better days come?

From all the incidents I could have gone through

Fate chose the most painful

My heart, which was once whole

Left battered, bruised, and screamed for mercy

It was never supposed to end this way, Why did it

How can the best three words ever spoke lead to, this

I'm broken into even more pieces than when you found me

Why did you find, when I never knew I needed found

The love I once felt for you is covered and replaced

From all the people I could be in this situation with,

Fate chose you

Why did you have to kill two relationships, with one phrase

Like a dart is thrown a target

“I've found someone else”

I thought we were better than this

But I'm proven otherwise

I thought I knew what love was

The only lesson I've learned is what, Love isn't

You mustn’t give up

Though I feel your lingering presence

And echoes of your voice rings out like, gunshots in, my heart

I won't surrender, I'll fight on

The broken beautiful pieces I've become

Babe when you come, make me whole

My sun has set on love,

But like night is never eternal, I will love again

Write with pride

If you must write, let's not be like pigs

love and hate in an unexpected spot

while round the sing the faithful joyful songs

making them work on the Untamed terrain

if they must right, oh,

let us happily write,

so that is irritating pain may not be there anymore.

In vain than even the writer,

we are stronger

shall be constrained to fight us through aggressively

Though out number, let us show us Mercy

and a thousand soldiers

still be a helping  hand

with so before us lies a peaceful land?

Like men, we will facet hem.treacherous, unruly war

They will press to the wall fighting, but writing beautifully.

Love on a deeper level

Pristine, Perfect
no leftovers for me.
His whole word, within one kiss.
He's like a hard steal,
With a comforting brownie heart.
His luscious, love filled lips,
His love gushes out, like pie filling,
While he writes love poems.
Once cloudy days
turned bright, sunny, heaven-like;
When his lips, touch My ready anxious lips,
when he's around
cheeks longer pail, lifeless
They turn into velvet, luscious roses
When my ears, hear;
His voice, saying my name.
His eyes have captured stares
beyond our own galaxy
Only I can witness
That wonderful experience.

Pick one Heart or Head

It happened so fast.
My heart,
So full of strong emotions,
my head
so jumbled up with confusion.
Either listen to my heart
or my head
Both of them stand for themselves,
and their own pleasures alone
While they're at odds
They leave me with the after-effects of the whirlwinds they cause
I know that I'll continue to be a mess
If I don't pick one.
I could pick my heart,
which pounds and overreacts
when he's around.
The one thing that men and my heart
have in common is
we see the best in people
My heart skips a beat
and I almost faint
cheeks turn red
redder than any red seen by the human eye
I can see our future
it's so close
So bright with possibilities
But so probable to be hurt
At times nothing can stop us
While other times it is us who gets in our ways.

However,
then there's my head
who may be happy for my hear and I
But doesn't want either one of us to get hurt
We must remember our responsibilities
When I seem to disobey my mind
It communicates with my stomach
makes me ill with butterflies
When everything is going "Too Well"
It screams pump your breaks
When we kiss
When I and my heart don't listen,
the and, the relationship doesn't work
My head never allows us to live it down
I'm.umable to ever forget
It's not the first time it'll end like this
My heart,
head and I
Are always at odds
It never ends
It never works out.

Still a Disney girl by heart

Still a Disney Girl by Heart

Sitting on my bed

Not a care in the world

My childhood

dances through my head

as classic instrumental Disney music play

It brings back

So much joy

Back when I didn't have to worry about

SAT’s and ACT’s

When I didn't understand

all the sadness that happens all over the world

It even happens in my neighborhood

Back when

My only problems

were putting too much chocolate syrup in my milk

and worrying about making it to the bathroom on time

When all I needed to do was clean my room

Back when life was simple

Back when I was young and still kinda cute

When my relationship with God was unbreakable

Back when the only time I cried was when I for broke

or misplaced a toy

Back when I never had to eat school lunches

Back when my world was small and peaceful

Back when I didn't worry about insecurities

and didn't care much about much about my flaws

When life was simple

A Chores Of Voices

As a student sits in the back,

Others stand back and watch.

Oh, this kid is lonely

Oh, this kid is depressed.

No, maybe this kid has been bullied,

Hurt in so many ways only God knows how.

Maybe that kid is plotting against every kid who had plotted against her.

As this girl cries in the bathroom

Others stand by

And just listen,

Not even knowing

The pain and the depth within each droplet.

No one gets it,

People who are stuck up,

Who are too into themselves,

Put down others who are different.

They shoot them with their words

Cut them with their eyes

And Kill them with their comments

Everything they say stings like a branding iron which leaves a permanent mark

Breaking the victim's confidence down to nothingness.

Not knowing

Or even being intentional

To make them go home and cry nightly

Making them want to die

Making them no longer who they are,

But now they want to be someone else.

But what about the bully, themselves

They never get looked at

Not until one of their victims do something that doesn't reflect that victim

STILL, THEN THE BULLY IS NEVER LOOKED AT.

I can barely see their faces,

But their names haunt me,

Past me,

But thank GOD can’t touch future me.

Now everything is different

I’ve tried to forget My pain

and get rid of the newer pain

And try not to feel even newer pain

I’m there,

Who sees?

I speak,

Who hears?

You there,

I see

You’re speaking

I hear

You torment

I cry

I’m filled with pain

I slowly resent myself

I share,

I love

I smile although it may be fake, but only due to pain

I do a lot,

That is good,

But you don’t see that

But I see you

And will always see you

Even after you turn to dust.

Not for the same reason, you may have hoped,

Or even expected,

But because although you hurt me,

In more ways than one,

Although nobody is going to see you for what you’ve done,

But I will.

You made me stronger,

In ways that would have never been the same if I’d gone through less dark,

Painful stuff.

Thanks and I mean that.

To those victims of bullying out there

Don't let them push you down

You’ll rise up one day

Tiny Emotions

All the commotions

that draw attention

All the different fonts

people tend to use

All the words

people tend to never say

Time

that always tends to fly by

Anger

that never seems tamable

Love

that never seems enough

Money

that never seems to be there

Evil

That never seems to vanish

Good

That never seems to be seen

Glory

That never seems to be upheld

Relationships

That never seems to be strong or even enough

There’s always good

That gets downplayed by bad or its opposite

A Mother

Without any kids; their no longer kids

A Husband

Without a wife, but yet a soulmate; or some due to the deeper than surface issues

Children

Without much of a childhood; forced to be grown too fast, too soon

Pain

With no hope of being held; however, kept being enforced among the weak or even the strong

Hate

In which birthed from unjust pain

Parents

That holds no understanding, yet wants children to achieve perfection, but had not yet achieved it themselves

Then there’s Me

So small in the world; yet dreams so big

Screams so quiet, yet hardly ever making a sound

Tears

Informs of such surplice oceans form

Smiles

So minuscule you hardly ever see them

Friends

That is so nonexisting the world seems empty

Pink

So adored, so lush; yet so painful

Beauty

So perfect, yet so flawed

Quiet

So peaceful, yet so loud with words

Silence

So misunderstood, yet so outspoken

Talkative

Yet no one is any more

Spotless

So clean, yet so filthy

Me and You

So much  alike yet completely different

Good and evil

So fairy-tail- istic, yet so realistic

Teachers

So helpful, yet so controlling

Music

So upbeat, yet so undertaking

Siblings

So naive, yet so wise

It’s up to you whether you decide to follow or leid

One or the other

Many Aspects Of Life

I’m in love with many aspects of life

I love how every God made thing

has an assigned

design,

point of view,

 purpose,

and

Creative

Aspect

I love how all the seasons are like clockwork

They never let you down

Summer

makes the Earth Sweltering

And summons school to be out,

grills brought out and cookouts to start

Swimming pools are filled

Sun-kissed yellow lemonade is made

Fall

Makes the world revolve around vibrant, crisp colors

Leaves begin to descend

The seeds look as if small helicopters as they fall and take flight

Leaves fall like graceful feathers as they catch the cool breeze

like small parachutes falling from beyond

The end of the day is the sweetest of them all

Night skies look like paintings

painted by God's graceful hands

Breeze so cool it reminds you it's not the harsh frigid winter

Yet not warm enough it's not the humid summer

Spring

Always replenish the Earth from the Summer's heat and Fall’s lack of rain

The sky turns lively as transparent raindrops fall from the sky

And rainbows Timperley appear

The ground transforms as puddles form

The Earth becomes soft

and as bodies of water flourish

Flowers blossom and bloom

The wind turns more refreshing and less humid

The grass grows greener

The sky grows to deem and gray as if the sky cries nourishing tears

Winter

Covers the Earth in a thick white crystalized blanket

The animals are cast into a deep protective slumber

The days last longer

and the season of goodwill and cheer is near

The wind turns crisp and fidget

The green of the grass and trees vanish

The ground turns rich as it's covered in a diamond-like snow

Seasons change and so does moods

When filled with happiness

All is sunny and peaceful

Not one thing can bother you

Everything around you is lively and it rubs off on all around

While filled with sadness

All is droopy and darkness

You turn in a machine full of nothing else,

but buttons

While excited

Everything seems to be stuck in time

Your eyes grow wide

And your lips curve in a huge smile

While anxious

Everything seems to be going lightning fast your heart races as if doing exotic exercises

Live around you turns into an adventurous mystery

And the unexpected is to be expected

Phenomenally Me

A large number of people wonder

Where my secret lies

God made me cute,

But not built to suit a fashion model’s size

I don't listen to society

When they say I must be or do anything

I laugh when people say I must be perfect to fit in

While those I'm trying to fit in with aren't perfect themselves

Phenomenal

I'm phenomenally me

Others try so much

To change me

But they can't touch my inner creativity

When I try to share it with them

They blow by it

Yet still can't see

I say,

It's the ink in my pens,

The journals within my belongings,

The sun in my smile,

The creativity within every thought,

The feeling in every tear,

The grace in God’s plan for me

Phenomenal

I'm phenomenally me

Now you understand

Just why you can't change me

And why my head’s not bowed,

Tet held high

And my feelings aren't hidden

When you see me passing by,

It ought to make you proud

When you read me work

You ought to feel my emotions

Understand my testimony

And know you're not alone

Phenomenal

I'm phenomenally me,

Christyn,

Christian,

A writer,

A sister,

A best friend,

Inspirational,

Creative

And more

Phenomenal

I'm phenomenally me

Just like you're also

Phenomenal

Just be phenomenally you,

Thank you.

Forgotten Love

A heart so broken,

it can barely beat

Head so jumbled and cluttered

with painful thoughts,

it's barely condemned

useful anymore

Emotions that floods me

I can't put on a brave face

Too many good moments

inn the past,

I can barely face this future

You no memory of me

Then there's me with the

the love I have for you

and the love you once carried for me

In dreams and memories

That hunts present me,

but don't bother you

I'm a lonesome shadow in

your presence,

my love

Your now a recurring

a reminder of who we were

For all of the

I should have

Could have

It's too late now

You have to choose to

come back to me

Just like I'll continue to

choose to wait for you

My love,

Mi Amor,

My dear sweet wife

Nothing should have ever

came between us

Now that something has

It shall not last

Just like day and night

This shall soon past

Just like the ocean's tide

You will come back

And just like our

Father up in Heaven

My arms

will be stretched out

To receive

your love once again

Inseparable, Non- Stoppable Love

My love

is slowly,

but surely

Coming back to me

However,

At night acts as

as though she's being attached

She often has

Nightmares

about her past

and

Dreams

her recent life

Although

I'm over excited

That my love

is continuously

returning to me

She's still not

One hundred

Percent mine again

At least she's still and

will always remain to

Our God

Things

that are no longer our firsts

Are now our first

all over again

Which gives me a chance

To fall in love with her

All over again

Our relationship

has the chance

To be even stronger

than before

If that's even possible

Mark my words

I will remain

By her side and wait for her full return

Forever

She will be,

My love

Mi amor,

My wife

And my always

Just like

Sunrises and sunsets,

Ocean and tides,

School and homework,

Love and healing,

God and his love for us

My love and I

will remain inseparable

A Wife's Wedding Vows

It's amazing how one day someone

walks into your life

and you suddenly

can't remember

how you ever

lived without them

Honey, Ever since

that moment we met

You never let me down

For years I've admired

your kindness,

Your willingness to make me happy

even when I don't believe it can be done,

Or when I've almost forgotten how

You made me transform into

a person who cares less about what haters have to say

Darling, you make me feel worth it

You made it worth it having the past I had

You make me smile so much

I can hardly remember the last time I frowned

After a stressful day

Your hugs make all my problems disappear

I wish I could explain

How when looking into your eyes,

Being in your arms,

Hearing your deep tender voice

and feeling your manly hands on my shoulders,

How both of our hearts skip multiple beats when held over each other,

How every time I'm  with you alone,

Makes me melt like milk chocolate in my mouth

Falling in love with you

wasn't falling at all

It was like walking into a house and suddenly realizing

“I'm home”

We don't have to plan the future

Just keep loving me and I'll do the same

And everything else will fall into place

I will love you as long as the sun burns in the sky

As long as the moon shines brightly at night

As long as the raging tropical blue oceans still have tide

and as long as God loves his children

I will love you until the end of time

It takes someone sent by God

to fix someone who was weakened

Handsome, you the first thought in the morning

Last thought before I go to bed and every thought in between